Behind

Do you ever feel as if you are behind? Behind in the curve, behind in the expected, behind in your dreams...behind what you wish was. I feel behind. As though each day I am one step closer, yet forty steps back. I am drawing near, yet sinking further. Suddenly I am an adult. Somewhere in those post baccalaureate years I crossed the line from the unstoppable dreamer girl hipster to dog lady who goes to the "gym" and spends her evenings in a book study. I can't decide if this new girl has been inside me all along just biding her time or if long meetings, lonely weekends, and mid-twenty crises allowed new girl to eat me. Either way, I am different. I had this gut feeling that 25 was going to be a big deal. I dreaded my birthday for the first time in my life. And why? I'm scared. I'm terrified that I'm missing it. I feel like the unicorn who missed the memo on flood day. I have dreams. Giant dreams. Dreams that have formed my identity and I can't see their beginnings and I'm afraid that if they don't start soon, they will never be. I'm afraid that I'm devoting my entire life to "family," yet I may never fit in the category I'm called to. I know, I know, there's no fear in God, there's no fear in perfect love. I get it. Trust me, I get it. But I also get that no promise has been made that my hopes will become my today. I get that life can be hard. I get that dreams don't always come true and that "happily ever after" might not ever come. I rest in knowing that even if my story is not what I think I desire, God is my author and I'll continue to give Him the pen.